Why is this happening?!! Part 2

My last post was December 20. I was hoping for some solace for the negative feelings and the cloud of sadness that I was carrying around like a blanket. As if mocking my request to the heavens the very next day they found the body of J-34 “Doublestuff” one of the whales from the Jpod that I saw in June in Victoria, BC. One of the endangered Southern Resident Killer Whales (SRKW).

Doublestuff was young, just 18 and entering his reproductive years, which is a double blow to the population since there is one less male that can mate and produce more babies.

Then George Michael, then Carrie Fisher, then Debbie Reynolds and it seemed like some sort of bad omen, like Jesus 2016, haven’t you had enough? I was flying to Indianapolis and thinking I would die on a plane crash (as I always do when I fly) and thought well, that wouldn’t be too shocking a closure for this year and I how I’ve felt about it.

But then, I watched on TV while Pitbull welcomed the new year in Miami, dancing and singing and so damn happy and having fun, while I sat in my in-law’s basement, in my pajamas, alone with my husband and not ‘celebrating’ a New Year’s Eve for the first time in my life. I facetimed with my sister who was tipsy, in Miami, also not celebrating, and both of us feeling melancholy without each other and I talked to my mom who sounded tired from work but was having fun with her friends and I thought, it’s okay. 2017 it’s a new year, new opportunities to make life better.

And then the bombing at that club in Istanbul… and the approaching date of the inauguration. Yesterday, J-2 “Granny” the oldest recorded whale in the wild was officially considered dead since they haven’t seen her with her pod since October. I saw her too in June, she seemed so young with her pod, so active, swimming so fast, cutting through the water like a bullet.  Now she is gone and the Jpod is down to 78.

Today, Tilikum, another whale close to my heart, passed away after 33 years of captivity. Tilly was the subject of Blackfish. In the end, his life changed the rules, changed the future for other Orcas. Three people died because of Tilikum and that’s what the news are reminding people of today. Maybe I am heartless because all I can think about it’s that Tilly is finally free in death and how damn fucking sad it was that he never got to swim for miles and miles with his family in the cold waters of Iceland, where he belonged. After seeing the Jpod all together and how they jumped and breached and slapped their tails and rubbed against each other it made the captivity suffered by the Orcas in tanks even more horrible to me.

I have this…knot in my throat… and I hate it! I hate feeling like this and I hate that I have felt like this since November and I hate that every time I step closer to the light, to feeling better something like this happens and it makes me feel like we, as a world, fucking blow. I want to concentrate on the good but I am just so....sad.

Poor Tilly…at least now he will swim free in the beyond. Poor Doublestuff, so young. At least granny lived a long life.

I am afraid to open the news.