I can explain it now. I know why I didn’t feel like I thought I would when I received the Green Card.
All these years I had been working under the misconception that the green card was the only thing holding me back from true happiness, that if only I could have my GC, everything would be alright with the world and bliss would be mine.
The thing I discovered was that I was already happy. Yes, the immigration issues were a problem and a nightmare and a pain in the ass, frustratingly slow and mind boggling but I was happy, without it I was happy and with it I am happy too. I don’t need it.
Ok, who am I kidding? I mean I do need it. I need it to be able to stay in the country, and work and live a normal life and be part of this country in a recognizable way, but I don’t need it to be happy, I don’t need it to be me.
I didn’t know how to feel because all this time I have been granting the GC almost mystical powers; it was the Holy Grail of my quest, as if getting it was going to be my salvation.
What a revelation and how silly of me for not knowing that was the reason. So damn simple. All those emotions I always imagined myself having (hell I even imagined myself crying of happiness and that only happens at weddings) weren’t happening because I was already feeling like that and it didn’t have anything to do with my immigration status. I was and am happy, I am content, I am in love, I am safe and warm, I don’t go hungry and everyone that I love and care about are also healthy and well and I’ll assume at least moderately happy.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around the streets tra-la-laing and skipping and twirling around and talking to the birds (just the squirrels), I get mad and sad and pissed off and frustrated and I do feel this sense of dissatisfaction about my professional life, my frustrated dreams of being a published author and the state of my thighs. But all in all, I am happy and the Green Card is just the cherry on top.
Now I am just full of questions and half assed plans and it’s so close to the holidays that I have decided to postpone all the soul searching until after the merry season. Still the questions hound me and swirl in my head, crowding my thoughts and keeping me from enjoying this time when everything is solved but there’s still so much to do. Amazing how possibilities are more overwhelming than the lack of them.
Where do I go from here?
What are my plans?
Are we staying in Florida?
Am I going back to school?
If yes, what I am going to school for?
Will I have to take math classes if I go back to school?
Why do I hate math so much?
Do I really suffer from Dyscalculia? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia
What car am I buying?
When am I going to stop procrastinating and actually go to the DMV to do the driving test?
Are we buying a house? Where? How big? When?
Can we get another dog?
How about a pet rat? (Completely unrelated and DH said no on the pet rat)
I am turning my brain off; these questions can all wait until after I empty the bank account buying Christmas presents and when January 1, 2013 gets here.
Unless the Mayans were onto something….