THE BIG THREE O

Dear reader, yours truly turns thirty this year. I don’t know where exactly I thought I would be when I was thirty but I don’t think I imagined myself where I am.

I remember I thought that by thirty I would be trying to have a kid, part of what society expects of married females when they reach a certain age. When you are seventeen you don’t think about how young and inexperienced you are still going to feel by the time you reach thirty. I actually don’t feel like an adult most of the time. That is until I hang out with younger people obsessed with Justin Bieber, have no clue who’s Marty McFly and type “dat” instead of “that” in text messages….then, then! I feel  ancient.

I have been a late bloomer my whole life, in every aspect of my life. I had my first kiss when I was sixteen; I had my first job by nineteen when most people had already worked two different jobs. I will be buying my first car this week at twenty nine years old when most people my age had to upgrade their third or fourth car to a minivan to be able to accommodate the soccer team their toddler plays with. I guess it is because I have been delayed by life and circumstances that I don’t feel thirty and that I feel like I have so much time still to accomplish what I want.

Am I supposed to feel unaccomplished because I am thirty and I haven’t accomplished whatever goals I set for myself when I was younger? What IS success exactly and how does one measure it? I feel fairly successful; I am happily married, healthy, out of debt, employed and with a meager yet ever growing savings account. Is that how we view success? Or should I have fame and fortune to feel successful? I am not sure, and to be honest is not a question that keeps me up at night. On the other hand absolutely nothing keeps me up at night.

I look back at the past almost thirty years of my life and I count as a success that I have no regrets. I have gotten too drunk and made a fool of myself too many times to count, I have broken and started friendships, I have fought and argued with family, said hurtful things I didn’t mean, worked hard, cried, worked out, danced, gained weight, lost weight, fell in lust, in love, in hatred, met new people, laughed until my belly ached, spent hours chatting with friends and family, danced and ate some more and conquered some fears while I surrendered to others.

Most of all I have learned a lot, I learned a lot about myself that I don’t like but don’t know how to change and a lot about myself that I like and fuck everyone else who doesn’t’. Still there is so much to learn.

I need to learn to stop judging others and holding them to the same standards to which I hold myself; they will unavoidably disappoint you because they won’t make the same decisions you do.  We are all different and the sooner I learn that the faster I will get used to people doing stuff their own way, which doesn’t make it the wrong way, just different.

I need to learn how to be more patient.

I need to learn how to be less bossy and managing (so hard! If I was a dog I would be a freaking shepherd, trying to herd everybody)

I need to learn how to control my temper even if people deserve the bite of it, I never feel happy after, no matter how right I am.

I need to stop scaring myself out of doing things and stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

I need to learn that when people ask for an advice they still have the liberty not to follow it (even if it is the best advice ever given!), it is not a fucking contract signed in blood.

The list goes on and on...  

I wonder though if my goals should be more palpable, less subjective, am I supposed to wish for quantifiable goals? Are goals for self improvement not real goals? Am I supposed to wish for a bigger house, a better car and more money? I don’t know. I guess I am not materialistic enough in a world that revolves around money and how you spend it. I feel like it’s OK to have “enough” and is difficult to adjust to the idea that society doesn’t think “enough” is good enough and we are supposed to be always hungry and searching for more.

If there is more to accomplish and much more to want then I guess is good I am only thirty, maybe by the time I am fifty I will have learned all the things I mentioned, I will have learned how to play the ukelele (new goal) and will be in search of more accomplishments, more tangible goals that I can compare side by side to someone else. I can get that PHD, and swim in pools of money and have a bigger house and a better car...maybe I am young and naive and silly because right now I don't think that's important.